22

Well friends, it’s way to late for me to be writing this, but I haven’t posted anything in a while and this seems to be a fitting occasion to post something.

Earlier today, I figured out that tomorrow marks the beginning of both the 22nd day I’ve been in Israel and the 22nd year I’ve been on this earth. I’m not sure if it’s just coincidence or if there is some hidden meaning; I think maybe it’s better to wonder.

A part of me does wish I knew though. I wish I could write something terrible clever right now, that would be full of significance and insight into all of the subtle similarities between these two journeys. Unfortunately, I’m short on the necessary elements for such a work (time, energy, insight, and wit ect...), but if you’ll bare with me, I hope I’ll at least explain a little of what I see as I take the opportunity to reflect on what God is speaking to me at this time in my life.

One thing I’ve become aware of, especially since I’ve been here, is that God has a way of working in my life without my being aware of what he is doing. I’m not sure if I understand his reason for this, but as I just told you, his way of doing things is often beyond my capacity to comprehend. Looking back, this has been a point of contention between the Lord and myself. I can remember many bitter spiritual seasons, permeated with disillusionment and frustration. Most of my life, I’ve tried to prove myself to God, always doubting his intentions toward me and always hoping he would give me concrete answers about who I am and how he feels about me. The thing about concrete though, is that it is awfully heavy and usually lacking in beauty and grace.

Nevertheless, in coming to Israel, I wanted to find clarity about why God has put things like Israel, Judaism, and Hebrew on my heart. Moreover, I still wanted those solid answers to a lot of the deep questions I’ve carried for so long.

Why do You impart desire and calling into me that You leave unsatisfied? Why do You whisper hopes and dreams that remain unfulfilled? Why have You left me here to wander, between the dreaming and the coming true?

I can’t say God has answered these questions, but I can tell you he has been changing the way I see them. Being here has allowed me to see that I don’t need to know his plans for me, in order for me to be ok. Because, it not his plans that I need to put my trust in. I think one of the main reasons he has brought me to Israel was to waylay me here and strip me of everything that I thought I needed that wasn’t him, even his plans.

I thought it was important that I have the answers to all these questions, but I realize now, that the only reason I wanted the answers is so I could own them. But I don’t want the answers anymore. I know now that I only wanted them so that I could have something to remind me of who I am and where I’m going and why. I wanted to point to them and say, “That is how I know God loves me. Look at this, I’m practically indispensable to him.” I confess these things now, to you who are reading this and to God, and I’m saying I repent. Remind me of this, if I start to need those answers again. Remind me that there was once a time when said “I don’t want the answers anymore." The only way I would need them is if I didn’t have God. I don’t need answers, I don’t need reasons, and I don’t need an important identity, I just need Jesus. My trust is in the Lord, the Lover of My Soul, the Dreamer of Dreams, and the Giver of All Good Things.

Right now I can honestly say that I feel more weak and broken and blind than I have ever felt in my life. I’m a lonely, emotional, mess of a human being who can’t seem to learn Hebrew and who can’t seem to figure out how to give Jesus to people. And somehow this is better, somehow this is all part of his Dream for me.